10 Years

Has it really been ten years? Somedays it seems like only yesterday that I watched you take your last breath. Somedays it seems like many years ago that you left this Earth to be with our Heavenly Father. Somedays the grief of knowing you will never hold my children in your arms is too much to bear. Somedays I don’t even think about you.

Today seems like all of those days rolled into one. I can see you lying there in the hospice bed barely a shadow of your former self. I see you, but you don’t see me. I imagine you see the light and are overjoyed to finally be home. But, I want you here with me. I see your labored breathing and hope that this is all just a bad dream. I see you suck in that last big breath of air and I know.

I know that I will never get to feel your arms around me ever again. I know that you won’t be the one to walk me down the aisle. I know that you won’t just drop by to make sure I’m ok and tell me you miss me. I know that I won’t know what to do without you. I know that I will never be able to tell you all the things I should’ve told you. I know that I will miss you terribly.

I called you Daddy for the first time that day. “It’s okay, Daddy,” I say, “you can go now. I love you, Daddy!” Did you hear me? Did it mean as much to you as it meant to me? Did I tell you how much you meant to me? If I didn’t, did you know?

I can remember so much from that day before you were gone. I can’t remember too much after you left. But, I remember the shock. The numbness. The pain. The anger. The sorrow. The grief. The denial. I remember because it is still here with me.

I don’t have your pictures out. It’s really hard to look at them. I do talk about you though. It is quite easy to talk about you and what a wonderful man you were. It’s just not easy thinking about what might’ve been. I am the luckiest girl in the world for knowing you.

I miss you!

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10 Responses

  1. Oh, wow. Just wow. I can’t believe it has been 10 years. 10? Really? Wow.Just.Wow. I’m so sorry. As sorry now as I was that day. And just like then, I have no words to speak. Just know that I know. And I’m sorry. So sorry.

  2. oh becky –
    thanks for posting this.
    i have been thinking about life and death a lot lately. just how fragile life is and how short it is too. and how do we live and love with all our heart with each moment we’ve been given. sometimes i get lost in the day to day “stuff” and let things slide by.

    Thanks for the reminder. Your daddy sounds like a very special man. Love you!

  3. Very touching. So sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your grief with us.

  4. I’m so sorry that you are part of this terrible sorority. I know your grief; I said the same words to my own father not too many years ago.

    Thinking of you, Becky. I hope you find peace.

  5. Becky,
    I cant’ believe it’s been 10 years. I said goodbye to TaterandTot’s GreatGranddaddy 12 years ago Christmas. I was and still am a Daddy’s girl. When I think of him I still get a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes and my heart hurts. It doesn’t get easier you just learn to handle the hurt a little bit better. So when I say I know how you feel, please know that we are both a part of a special group of daughters, ones that miss our Daddy’s. We want to have them back-but wouldn’t bring them back on earth to suffer for anything. I just look forward to seeing my Daddy & yours in heaven, they are both waiting with big “I Love You” hugs.
    I Love You, Too Becky,
    Love,
    TaterandTot’s Nana Kathy

  6. Becky,

    What a lovely tribute and how special your daddy must have been. It is so hard to loose the ones we love and I felt so much, as I was reading your comments that they could have been my exact feelings about my grandmother. I will always regret that she will never get to hold any children I might have but I do have the wonderful knowledge that she is in Heaven and I will see her again one day and for that I am thankful.

    Praying for you dear one.

    Lyndy

  7. One of the best tributes I’ve read! Just BEAUTIFUL!

  8. Hey Becky,
    Let me assure you that your daddy knew exactly how much you loved him.
    He was the most precious man I could have ever married and shared with you for the years we did have him alive on earth. Be assured that God took him to heaven and we will see him again one day. No other man, not even your biological father, could ever love you as much as Dave did, does and always will. He watches over us as we travel this road on earth along with our heavenly father who will give us comfort and strength to continue the purpose we were given on earth. Always relie on God for that comfort and peace because I grieve and morn the loss everyday and especially December and January.(they seem to be the hardest times)
    Pray, Pray, Pray and remember the love we shared with Dave will never go away nor be forgotten.
    I love you honey,
    Mom

  9. This is a beautiful, heart wrenching post. I’m so sorry for the loss. Although ten years has past, there is no doubt that his memory is so very close to your heart. My prayers are with you.

  10. My first visit to your blog, and I’m in tears. Streaming tears. That was beautiful.

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