Archive for the ‘Memories’ Category

10 Years
January 4, 2007

Has it really been ten years? Somedays it seems like only yesterday that I watched you take your last breath. Somedays it seems like many years ago that you left this Earth to be with our Heavenly Father. Somedays the grief of knowing you will never hold my children in your arms is too much to bear. Somedays I don’t even think about you.

Today seems like all of those days rolled into one. I can see you lying there in the hospice bed barely a shadow of your former self. I see you, but you don’t see me. I imagine you see the light and are overjoyed to finally be home. But, I want you here with me. I see your labored breathing and hope that this is all just a bad dream. I see you suck in that last big breath of air and I know.

I know that I will never get to feel your arms around me ever again. I know that you won’t be the one to walk me down the aisle. I know that you won’t just drop by to make sure I’m ok and tell me you miss me. I know that I won’t know what to do without you. I know that I will never be able to tell you all the things I should’ve told you. I know that I will miss you terribly.

I called you Daddy for the first time that day. “It’s okay, Daddy,” I say, “you can go now. I love you, Daddy!” Did you hear me? Did it mean as much to you as it meant to me? Did I tell you how much you meant to me? If I didn’t, did you know?

I can remember so much from that day before you were gone. I can’t remember too much after you left. But, I remember the shock. The numbness. The pain. The anger. The sorrow. The grief. The denial. I remember because it is still here with me.

I don’t have your pictures out. It’s really hard to look at them. I do talk about you though. It is quite easy to talk about you and what a wonderful man you were. It’s just not easy thinking about what might’ve been. I am the luckiest girl in the world for knowing you.

I miss you!